6 Things I Don't Want To Be Ashamed Of Anymore


6 Things I Don't Want To Be Ashamed Of Anymore
As I sit and type this post, I'm currently in the worst mood ever, so it seems quite fitting to post something like this as I'm already feeling all kinds of emotions anyway. Although I really hope this post doesn't come across as a huge rant in anyway nor am I having a go at anyone in particular, but I am just so sick and tired of being left to feel ashamed of who I am and how society views the type of person I am. It's so damaging for people and it has to stop. 

It's the bloody 21st century, why are we still made to feel rubbish about the interest's we have or the way we live our lives? Who are we to judge how someone does something? I for one think it's time we stopped judging people for the things they love and the people they are. If they are causing no harm to anybody else, then just leave them be and let them do what they want to do. We should start caring more about ourselves and how we view ourselves, than worrying about what other people are doing and if they should be shunned for doing so. 

So here are the things I don't want to be ashamed of anymore. 

1. That I don't have a job - I can already guess the judgemental thoughts that come people's minds whenever someone drops the bombshell that they're unemployed. 'Lazy', 'Someone who 'dossers' around doing nothing all day everyday', 'spoilt' and 'someone who can't be bothered' are just some of things that people seem to label unemployed people as. You want to know the real reason I'm unemployed? And it's not because I'm lazy or can't be bothered nor do I laze around all day. It's because I don't feel as though I am fit for work. I don't feel as though I mentally well enough to work. And yes, you may now think, well I have mental health issues, but I still work. And that's great for you! Honestly, I could not be happier for you, because I hope that is me one day, but some of us just cannot push themselves to do it. 

I'm scared. I'm terrified. A job for me would mean more things to worry about and more of a chance for me not to focus on my self love and self care. It would mean pushing myself far too soon when I'm not ready. It takes me a hell a lot of courage to get through every single day and even then it can be so difficult. I would never want to have to make an employer rely on me when I can't even rely on myself sometimes. It's just not fair on anyone. I know it will take time to get to where I want to be. But it's taking me even more time, constantly having to feel ashamed because society brands me as 'lazy'. 

You think I sit at home all day everyday doing nothing? Hell no!

I'm up everyday at 6am and by 7am I'm ready to start the day. I work my arse off on this blog and my recovery every single day from early in the morning till late at night. 

 I'm taking the time out to focus on me. To put my health first. And judge me all you bloody well like for taking the decision to put me first, but I'll get there. I know I will. I believe I will. So bloody well watch me!

2. That I don't drink alcohol or go out clubbing - Yes, I am 20 years old and yes I do not drink. Half by choice, half because I'm on antidepressants and they cannot be mixed. But I am sick of having to explain to people why I don't drink or why I would rather stay at home than go out clubbing. It took me until this year to even step foot in a pub and not find myself anxious in an alcohol space. But I did it and I felt amazing. Now I enjoy going to the pub. It's a lot easier to deal with than going out clubbing which would spark way too much of my anxiety. It might not be the complete norm for a girl my age, but I couldn't care less about being normal anymore. 

Is it wrong I want to put myself first and have a quiet night in to soak in all the self care? No! 

It's what I should be doing and what I know what works best for me. You may think that makes me boring. But I do not find it boring. I go out when I want to and have fun when I do. I do not need to drink to have fun and be myself. I can do that without the booze in my system. And I do not have to deal with feeling shit the day after. I feel grateful and happy when I wake up after an amazing night!

I have nothing against anyone who does go out and drinks may I just add. If it makes someone happy and they enjoy it, then I'm totally ok with that and never would try talk someone out of it. You enjoy doing you and I'll enjoy doing me. 

3. That I'm a fussy eater - This one I feel is quite a sensitive one for me out of them all. It's something that is very personal to me and one that I also spend most weeks getting upset over. I'm a fussy eater. Always have been and maybe always will be. It's not until the past couple of years that it has got worse with having digestive issues that restrict my eating even more, but also having a sick phobia that can persuade me to avoid particular foods. Whilst all of that is hard to deal with on a daily basis anyway, there's also the negative associations that come with being a fussy eater. People see it as 'weird' or 'problematic'. And trust me, I know how bloody hard it is, let alone you having to cook for me. I wish I could eat foods that I used to enjoy, but my gut won't let me. I wish I could try more foods, but my tastes say hell no.

I try to try new things if and when I can. Last year I tried so many new foods and will always be willing to if my gut allows me. And there is also the fact that also last year I could hardly eat. I'd always be skipping meals, either out of choice from a lack of appetite and thinking I didn't deserve any food, or simply because my panic attacks used to be so bad, I couldn't bare to eat without gagging on whatever I was trying to consume. Flash forward a year later, I'm glad to have put that chapter behind me, but it's also made me feel so grateful that I am able to eat now and enjoy food a lot more. 

Although my relationship with food is still not great, I'm pleased it has improved and therefore I won't allow anyone to judge me for what I eat. Because I could not be happier that I am actually being able to eat meals now and to indulge myself with food. So what if I am a fussy eater? I'm eating something that's the main thing!

4. That I'm shy - Here comes another personality trait society has branded to be negative! Being shy is something society seems as being rude and almost stuck up. The reality could not be further from that. Being shy is something that can become a real struggle and mines definitely turned towards the social anxiety side of things. I hate that it is seemed to be something that is bad, that it makes you boring or up yourself if you're not bouncing with bags of confidence. I always used to feel like my voice was never heard throughout school because I was shy and always got overlooked by my louder friends who seemed to take my credit from it. It was such an unfair to allow people to walk over me like that and take the wrap for my efforts. It should not be made to be a  negative thing. Plus I'm really not that shy when you get to know me. I'm sure Matt and my family can vouch for wanting me to shut up sometimes haha.

There are actually quite a lot of positives to being shy. It can make others feel more comfortable around you and create a more calming atmosphere to then be around. Shy people tend to be more trustworthy because they're not always going around telling everyone everything. This then makes shy people more credible. They also have the ability to overcome difficult emotions, because they are already dealing with the struggle of being shy and therefore can cope a lot better than most. Shy people also are able to build deeper friendships and experience rewards more fully. 

So next time someone brands you as a bad person for being shy, bring up this list and tell people just how wrong they are!

5. That I'm a One Direction fangirl - Yes, I hold my hands up and say that I am a fan of One Direction. I have been for over seven years now since they began on the X Factor in 2010. I've been to all their tours, stalked them outside venues and followed them on all social media channels, even getting a cheeky follow from Liam and a tweet from Niall. I was thirteen when I first started liking them and the years I spent obsessing over them are some of the most happiest memories of my teenage years. Like I don't think they would have been as good without all the fan girl memories. Even now they're on their hiatus and those memories sometimes make me cringe so much, I still support each member in anyway I can and hold those moments close to me. Plus I cannot wait to go see Harry Styles in April next year!!!! It's been two years too long.

6. That I have mental health issues - I feel as though I am quite open with discussing my mental health struggles on either my blog or social media. But of course, there is still the huge stigma relating to mental health still out there. More and more people are talking about it, it's an amazing change to see. But still we are suffering with people not paying much attention to it, brushing it under the carpet and pretending it really isn't that big of deal when reality is that it's a global issue. More change needs to happen. People need to start taking things seriously. People should not be made to feel guilty for suffering and should be able to get the support they so desperately need. People deserve the right to feel proud of how far they come in their recovery and should have people boost them up when they need it without this stigma. 

Are you tired of feeling guilty about something in particular?!

Lauren x

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