Hello everyone. If you have clicked on this, then you will want to know what this honest update is all about. For about the past year or so, I have really felt my anxiety peak and be the most serve it has been over what it coming up to three years since I was diagnosed with this disorder. I've always felt I've been honest about my suffering on both my blog and social media.

I think sometimes I can be denial, whether that's inside my own head or out loud of just how bad things have got. In someways, it's like protecting myself from the reality I live or even just listening to those nasty thoughts in my head. But I do feel like I have to be honest not only to myself, but to anyone who reads my blog also. 

I'm not well.

And I haven't been coping properly for nearly a year now. I've struggled a lot. I've had a lot of hard experiences happen to me over the past year, I lost my dog, I'm still unable to work due to my fears, I have emetephobia that rules my life constantly, I've developed digestive issues such as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and GERD (Gastroesophageal reflex disease) caused by my anxiety, I've had serve panic attacks that have lasted a week in same cases, I'm going through a break up from my ex, I've lost a lot of friends, I've struggled to eat and someday's I wish I was dead, just so I could stop experiencing the horrible things I experience, whether that's any physical sensations or the negative thoughts I have come to believe are true.

I've lost all hope as of lately. I really feel like I'm not fixable. Like whatever I try in terms of treatment, will never help me and I'll be stuck this way forever. Obviously, a little voice in the back of my mind, the part of me that still does see the light at the end of the tunnel is quietly screaming at me to not listen to that belief, that I will make it through, that I'll find things that work for me, my physical symptoms will reduce, I'll be able to go days without panic attacks, weeks and even months without having any form of attack.

I know deep down, I have that strength, determination and power to really get better. To find what works for me, to kick my anxiety and beat it down, to be able to say not only to myself but the people around me and you guys that I f*cking made it through this horrible time of my life.

While I know I'll never be free of it, that I know I have a lot to achieve to get to where I want to be, which will mean a lot of hard things I am going to have to face, I do know that somewhere deep inside of me I will get through this. 

I just know I have to really believe that and when I do, I really have to put that belief into play and really get myself to where I want to be.

Please, in this time understand that I won't be posting as regularly or just not to my schedule at least. When I went through a similar patch back in March, I did post a similar update to this explaining that I was going to be taking the pressure off a bit and posting when I wanted to. I'm feeling like I have to force myself to get posts done because it's my upload day, but I want to still post but not have a set day or time when it need's to be done by. I just want to start focusing on me more and enjoy blogging again also without that pressure.

So please don't think I'll go quiet. I hope I don't anyway. Please just understand that I will only be updating when I can, as I want to keep blogging so I have something to keep me busy and focus on when times are tough. But it just won't be as scheduled and set as it has been normally.

I hope you all understand everything I've said. It can be hard to share how you feel, but I just needed to get it out in the open and share with you all how it has been for me. Sometimes even just getting out of your mind and down into words can help you make sense of how you feel right now. I do apologise if this comes across as being negative and moaning, but sometimes you just have to be honest. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, there's storms too. 

I hope you're all well and have a good weekend!

If you're not, I hope you can feel better soon and do something to improve how you feel. If you're also suffering with your mental health, then please seek the help you need and don't suffer in silence.