We all know how rubbish it is trying to take blog or Instagram photos this time of the year. The winter season is the worst time to try and shoot, with day light hours restricted and gloomy days more likely than bright ones. It can be hard to find the right time to take some pictures with the weather outside not playing ball, social events growing at this time of the year with Christmas just around the corner and also longer hours at work or school before the holiday season hits. Taking blog photos in the winter can make you fall behind and struggle to even get one decent shot, but there a few tips and tricks you can do to try make things work better and also fit with the time of the year.

Now December is here I can truly embrace all things Christmas and really get into the festive spirit. For once I actually have a busy Christmas to look forward to and I couldn't be more excited. Therefore I thought I would put a little list together of some of the festive things I am going to be getting up to over the next few weeks.

Go to Centre Parcs - I feel really lucky and grateful that I'm going to Centre Parcs for a second time this year. From when you're reading this, I'm literally going in only a matter of couple of days which I am super excited for. I loved it when I went the first time in the summer and know it's going to be even more magical going this close to Christmas. They hold a Winter Wonderland where everything turns wintery and festive. It will be sure to get me into the festive mood. I can't wait to have a relaxing yet fun break away with Matt and his family. It's going to be super cute and will be a great challenge for my anxiety. Bring it on!

Put up the Christmas decorations - How much fun is putting up the Christmas tree and all the decorations around the house? So much fun! I love helping my Mum out and doing it together. It's such a lovely thing to do together and makes you feel all kinds of festive. I can't wait to live in my own house one day and decorate it whatever I want it and also share the experience with my kids. It will be such a lovely tradition to keep at.

Do some Christmas baking - I love baking all year round, but there's just something about doing it at Christmas that makes it feel so much better. I can't wait to have a browse through Pinterest to check out some recipe ideas. I'm thinking some delicious gingerbread men and some snowman cupcakes. Mmm I bet they'll be delicious!

Get a Christmas jumper - I feel like this one has been on my Christmas to do list for like four years now, but never seems to work out. When you're a short girl under 5ft and have small arms, it is impossible to find a jumper that doesn't drown you in length or ends up being a fortune in price for a few weeks wear. I'm definitely going to make it my aim this Christmas to find the perfect one to avoid this being on my Christmas to do list again next year. Send me your recommendations for places to shop for cute ones please!!!!!

Take lots of pictures - Christmas is the perfect time to whip out the camera and take lots of pictures. I love looking back on pictures and seeing how much you've changed or reflecting on memories. It's a great way to pick yourself up when you're feeling sad or just to enjoy looking back on with your loved ones. I want to take so many pictures so I can cherish them forever #soppygit.

Look at all the festive lights - Ever since I was young, I've enjoyed driving or walking around my local area and taking in all the festive lights people have put up outside their homes. Some people put in so much effort so it's always nice to admire their dedication to the festive period. It's always a great mood booster too!

Play all the Christmas music - I'm very fond of a Spotify playlist or two, so you can imagine how excited I am to be listening to all the Christmas music and singing so much I annoy Matt all the damn time. But hey ho, if there is no other way to get into the Christmas spirit, then it's listening to some festive tunes and singing your heart out every hour of the day until the big day is over!

Buy and wrap presents - I never seem to really do my Christmas shopping until December. I'm never organised enough to do it before then. But I love buying presents for people and wrapping up presents. I love making them look so cute and put together. It brings me such joy and I get so excited when I think about people opening them.

Do lots of festive things - Whilst I haven't got many festive plans yet, I know that I will aim to do more festive things this year. I know we have some plans to go ice skating and go to church on Christmas Eve, two things I have never done, but I'm looking forward to. I'm just excited to see what we do get up to and the memories we do make. This is a Christmas I am actually looking forward to for the first time in years and it makes me feel so happy.

I don't really know how to begin this other than with the words 'I faced one of my biggest fears and I bloody well survived'. Living with a fear for an eleven years and having it pretty much rule your life for the past four, it can be become quite a draining and annoying thing to have to carry round. There have been many occasions where I have told myself that if I was ever to be faced with my most feared situation, then  I don't know if I could possibly stay on this earth, that I would have no other option than to end it all, because the fear was so crazily intense, I could see no other option than to end it all. 

Flash forward to this moment in time and I can proudly say I faced my fear and I survived. I didn't have to end it all. I didn't have to get off the earth. I stayed. I survived it. I made it through. It was unpleasant and scary, but I did it and I feel so unbelievably proud of myself. 

But I also feel a little strange. I don't know. I almost feel all kinds of emotions. Like I feel scared still (which is perfectly normal when you've faced a big fear), I also feel on edge and paranoid, but then I feel relieved and overwhelmed in someway to have gone through what I did.

If you didn't know, then this fear I have been carrying around with me is known as emetophobia. A fear I have mentioned plenty of times on this blog before, but never did I quite realise I would talk about it from this side of things.

I never could quite imagine myself throwing up. I mean from an emetophobia point of view it's like the worst thing ever. But now I have thrown up for the first time in 11 years, I feel almost like why was I so scared in the first place? Sure it's pretty grim and wouldn't be anyone's first choice of things to spend their evening doing. But it's not as bad I ever could imagined it to be and honestly it made me feel so much better. 

For me it was the part before and after that has been the most difficult to deal with. Before I was sick,  it was like my body was preparing me to face my most feared situation ever. It was like it was giving me a warning and gearing my body up. I felt all the usual flight and fight symptoms you would experience with a panic attack, but I just treated them as my usual anxiety. 

But this was different. This was way out of my control. I have been in control of my panic and know that I call the shots with that one, so I couldn't quite understand where this out of control experience was coming from until my boyfriend and I came down with the same bug in a matter of twelve hours. Then things started to add up more. 

I didn't necessarily fear the sick itself afterwards. And this had been something I had worked out before around sometime last year. Another traumatic experience in my life had potentially created this fear of sick. This had helped me a lot for to change my terminology towards 'sick' and treat it as something that wasn't harmful. Because I definitely know that now even more having gone through it. 

It happens to make you feel better. 

But I'm still having a hard time dealing with the aftermath. I feel all kinds of emotions and even have been experiencing a little bit of post traumatic stress disorder symptoms, which honestly did not come as a shock to me when you think about it. I've just faced a situation I've been fearing for over a decade. It's no wonder I've reacted the way I have and my emotions are all over the place. It's been hard to get my mind and body round the whole thing. It's been just crazy!

That's mainly why I wanted to write this post. Because I needed to get my thoughts of my head and the situation out in front of me. To realise my achievements the past week and praise myself for getting through it. To give myself the opportunity to document this amazing moment in my mental health recovery and learn from it. Because I most definitely have learnt a lot from facing my fear.

Now it's just confirmed for me more and more than it's not the actual sick I'm fearing myself. It's the aftermath. It's how I will be afterwards. It's how I deal with any anxiety after, how my eating habits will be (something I've not really touched on my blog, but eating plays a big part in my mental health), if I'll never get better or if anyone else will get ill. It's all these things that have been a struggle for me the past few days.

As of right now I'm trying to deal with facing my fears and the trauma, trying to get my eating back to normal, not picking it up from anybody else because I swear everyone I know and see is coming down with it, looking after myself and upping my self care to the max.

That's also the reason why I have been quiet on my blog the past week. I couldn't even open it up until yesterday. It made me feel sick. But now I'm working on allowing this feeling to pass and getting back on it. And it's also the reason I'm not going to be doing #blogmas anymore. I'm gutted. I had so much planned and was excited for it. But I just don't have the time now nor do I have any motivation. 

I just need to spend the time focusing on me. Any posts I had pre-written I am going to try get up over the next few weeks, so there will be hopefully some content going up very soon for you all. But I just wanted to let everyone know how things are for me right now and the reason behind my absence. 

I really hope you're all well. I send my best wishes always.

Lauren x

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